How my abuser weaponized victim language as a mechanism of control and manipulation

“You can’t just give me the silent treatment and walk away Natalie!” he screamed at me, following me around our 3 story townhome.

Frantically, I was packing my backpack with my iPad, power cords, and notebooks.

I could hear my ears roaring from the blood pumping through them. My pulse racing as my heart rate increased faster and faster. As if in slow motion I could see every motion of my hands as I tried to gather my belongings, how my fingers couldn’t quite function correctly and I kept dropping items. How my hands shook ever so slightly.

From fear? Adrenaline? Cortisol?

Maybe all of it?

Probably all of it.

My mind couldn’t think clearly and focus on what I needed to grab. All I knew was that I needed to get out of here. NOW.

I had a call in two hours with a virtual training client which means I need somewhere with Wi-Fi. Panera? Starbucks? My board and train dogs need to go outside for walks and training so I’ll need to come back ASAP after my 1:1 virtual training call. I still needed to complete the new lessons for my online course. I haven’t put up a post today on Instagram.

So so so much to do.

Why am I suddenly so tired?

My mind and attention were brought back to the present moment when hands suddenly came into my field of vision, wrenching away my backpack and other belongings and slamming them down onto my desk.

“Talk to me Natalie! What is your problem?! Are you going to ruin yet another day and have me sit here just waiting for you to stop giving me the silent treatment?!” his face came into focus but mere inches away from mine.

I could feel his breath on my cheeks, smell his breath and teeth that haven’t been brushed. The whiny tone of his voice made body cringe. His yelling was never a deep yell. It was always more of a higher pitched whine.

With clarity I could see the sneering turn of his mouth, poorly shaped waxed eyebrows furrowed at me in frustration because I had stopped responding and his disheveled hair that haven’t been washed or brushed even though it was already almost noon.

I hated this man.

More of a boy really. A child, I had come to see him as, in the last few years.

I hated this boy.

What was this argument even about? Why could I not remember? How did it even get to this point?

I stared at him blankly. He knows I hate it when he takes my things away from me and tries to stop me from leaving. My things usually end up broken and smashed. How many times in calm conversation had I asked him to not touch my things? To not break them? To not stop me from leaving? To be able to respect us mutually taking space to cool off?

“Nat. Come on. Stop giving me the silent treatment,” yet again he says to me. Each word a clipped sort of sound.

Silent treatment.

Silent treatment?

Didn’t I just spend the last two hours in a circular conversation that led in so many different directions? Conversations that always left me so mentally and emotionally exhausted and more confused than ever.

Conversations that somehow I was always on the defense. Conversations that I always walked away from emotionally tattered and bloody because his philosophy was that he could say whatever he wanted to when he was angry and somehow it “didn’t count” or “didn’t matter” because he “didn’t mean it.”

I wanted to lay down. I wanted to lay down somewhere dark and warm. I wanted to sleep. Even though I already knew that no amount of sleep would soothe this bone deep weariness I carry.

What was the point in talking? I had already told him that I had a lot on my plate today. I told him what he wanted to know, exactly what my timeline was and what I was accomplishing today.

Oh yeah, that’s what it was. That’s what started this whole entire ordeal that has now been happening for almost three hours.

He wanted to go to the movies this afternoon and I told him that I had a really busy day with a lot to do and not a lot of time to get it done.

Apparently I hadn’t given him enough detail. He always makes sure to tell me how I should of addressed him.

“That’s fine Nat. You could of just said ‘I have to do a virtual training session at 2:00. I need to get the 4 board and train dogs out for their mile walk and do training. I need to complete the DogPro courses and put up a post today. I would love to go to the movies with you, what if we went tomorrow when I’m not so busy?’ That would of been better Natalie, but instead you have to rudely say ‘I’m too busy today’ like I don’t matter to you. Don’t I matter to you Nat?”

I think I walked away then. Because not only was I being berated for how I addressed him and now also in the middle of an argument I needed to defend that he still mattered to me and I had to console him both of which was always an everlasting issue that I could never do right. But he was able to list back exactly what was causing me stress and just how much I had on my plate.

Which was funny because he didn’t have a job. He lived off of the money my board and trains made. He lived off of the money that my virtual sessions made. He lived off of the money that my online courses I created made. So why was he tormenting me when it was off of my physical and mental labor that he directly benefited.

Those arguments happened on an almost weekly basis.

It would mount to a point where I would withdraw and he would accuse me of the silent treatment.

So much of victims of verbal, emotional and physical abuse believe that they are the abusive one, they are the narcissist because abusers love to weaponize victim language.

Because they are always the victim.

At therapy this was one of the first things that we tackled.

My overwhelming and almost crippling emotional wave I felt daily because I was told I was the abuser and I was the one who was constantly in the wrong.

But I am here to tell you:

If someone is abusing you and you emotionally withdraw, that is not the silent treatment

You are not doing it with the intention of punishing them.

You are emotionally withdrawing (or like in my case physically withdrawing because they are physically dangerous) because the abuser has intentionally been combative and has been cycling through abusive tactics such as: gaslighting, deflecting, projecting, lying, etc.

You are withdrawing because you are exhausted.

You are so exhausted to the point that you shut down. Your limbic system has been stuck in a state of fight/flight, your body is flooded with hormone chemicals, your hippocampus and amygdala are overwhelmed and you physically -wether you want to or not- have been put under such trauma and stress that you shut down.

Do you know the best state for you to be in for your abuser to win and control their victim?

It’s when their victim is exhausted by the chaos the abuser has intentionally created.

This is also how abusers gain sympathy from others who did not know the situation or did not know you both.

Abusers will find a completely new friend group, new supply and new environments and use victim language to gain what they love the most: sympathy.